The Real Me

There is no real me. Seriously, there isn’t. I thought there was. For instance, I am a…

lawyer by qualification and profession,

A writer by choice and passion,

A father,

A husband,

A brother,

A son.

A grandson.

I am sure I’ll be a grand dad one day.

And I am planning on doing a lot of other things.

But is that what I am? Is that what defines me? Or,  is that how I want to limit myself? I think not. I am much more. Because I am not just me. I am a consciousness. I am not locked into a body that would deteriorate enough to snuff me out. I am a consciousness which I believe also possesses a body.

I have written on it earlier, and I believe it to be true that I am the universe. I am part of the great beauty that is the universe. I am part of the great beyond that is the universe. It has made me only for one reason. For itself. To see itself through my eyes, and yours and everybody else’s. Through the eyes of the eagle and an ant. And somewhere in between, there I am. A minuscule part of the greater whole.

What happens to me doesn’t matter in the larger interests of the play. The play’s not being enacted for me. I am just part of the play. One of the actors. What happens to the play ultimately matters, not what happens to the actor. It is known as the Jagat-natakam. The play of the universe.

So is my identity that of a lawyer. It’s a role. A writer? I want it to be what defines me, but honestly, its another role. A father doesn’t define my role, nor that of a son or a husband. These are the layers, the coats of paint. But remove them all, I, the canvas, will still exist. The roles add colour to me, just like our atmosphere adds twinkles to a star. And there’s a great truth hidden in there.

Do I want to be liberated from my roles? Can I be liberated from my roles? Is that liberation at all? Is that what the universe wants? They might not define me, these roles, but they are not my shackles either. They are ways in which I express myself. These are ways in which I CHOOSE to express myself. When I say ‘myself’, it’s not Vadhan. He doesn’t exist outside the universe just like my hands don’t exist beyond or outside the rest of my body.  I mean therefore that this is how the universe wants to express itself.

Each of us, different from each other, is nothing more or less than a unique experience of the universe. Like tasting wine, or beer or whisky or all of them. It experiences each of us to learn and grow. I believe that. Sometimes, it doesn’t like what it learns, sometimes, it does. We contribute either way. That, ultimately, is our role. Our definition. We are here for the pleasure of the universe. It is the journey that matters. Not the destination. For instance, it is the struggle to become the world famous actor that matters and once you get to be that world famous actor, you realize the emptiness it offers. Many discovered that. The latest is that great comedian and actor, Robin Williams.

Why is the journey so important? Because each journey is unique. A LEARNING experience. And the universe, however old it is, is still young enough to want that experience. I said I don’t matter. That is true for more than one reason. I don’t matter as an individual but I am the universe as well. So, I don’t exist when I am alive, I exist even after I die. Because, in some form or the other, I the consciousness, will work for the greater whole. My journey, experiences and discoveries never end.

Is it reassuring? I didn’t mean it to be. To me, it is a fact. The journey ceases to be an experience if it is monotonous. There is nothing to learn once it gets boring. So the universe will reinvent itself, by reinventing me and letting me experience and learn for it. Just like we reinvent our lives, our marriages, even our driving experience. It is an everyday truth on a larger scale.

That is how I see myself. As a probe. As an antennae, an explorer. A chronicler for the greater part of me.